So that's what I'm supposed to do!

Dear Friend,
I read the most recent blog entry by Adam Young, entitled How To Get Over It. At the end of the entry he says, "If you need me, I’ll be in my fuzzy turtleneck with a bowl of cereal staring out the kitchen window. I like the way the rain sounds against these old bay windows." It reminded me of the Relient K song "Jefferson Aero Plane" and got me wondering. 
Apparently, friend, eating cereal and staring out of windows is a legitimate way of dealing with emotional problems.  If this is true, why haven't I done so? I can't remember ever grabbing a bowl of cereal and staring out of the window, rainy day or not.
Usually, if I'm having cereal I will occupy myself by reading the box, either the back where they advertise whatever other product they wish to sell me or sing the praises of the product I'm already consuming, or I read the nutritional information.
Apparently, for all these years, I've been doing it all wrong.  I need to eat cereal in a melancholy and introspective fashion, preferably in the cold, if all this talk of fuzzy sweaters and open windows is any indication. 
Thank you, Owl City and Relient K, for showing me the error of my ways, and presenting me with a new way to handle my emotional dilemmas.

The Art of Being Friendless

Dear Friend,
I find it extremely ironic to begin a message about being without any friends with "Dear Friend," but that is how I begin all of my entries, so there it is. 

I've been living in Virginia for over four years now, and I don't have a single friend here. I don't even have acquaintances. I realize it can only be my fault, that it takes a special sort of hermit-like person to go that long without forming any type of bond with another human being.  The problem is I have no clue how one goes about making friends.  I came to the realization one day that every friendship I ever had was practically placed in my lap.  I've had to put in the effort to maintain certain friendships, but it has never been an effort to make them.  That isn't normal, is it? 

I keep in contact with people who I used to be friends with, but it never is quite the same, talking through e-mail or Facebook, as it was speaking face to face.  Conversations always become shorter as time goes on, and each of our lives get a little farther apart, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm not complaining, exactly, I'm an air force brat, I'm used to leaving friends behind.  I'm an introvert, I prefer to spend a certain amount of time alone to recharge.  I'm simply beginning to think... I've overdone it. 

There is an art to being friendless. I think I've got a good handle on it.  I'd like to try life the other way, though, for awhile.

Grumbling ahead

Dear Friend,
Have I complained about problems from my laptop enough yet? I thought so, but the darned thing just keeps giving me new things to gripe over. Something is wrong either with the power cord (not too expensive to fix) or the DC port (likely really expensive). As such, I'm using my parent's desktop today. I don't want to risk damaging the port even more if it is damaged.
I don't want to go into details, too much, but lately I feel like if something can go wrong, it will. That's a terrible way to feel; it's frustrating and scary and sad.
I'm the sort who will put on a brave front, but I'm getting tired of it. I want to talk to someone, I want to have somebody to confide in and get sympathy from for once. I know that if I didn't keep everything to myself all the time some people would willingly try to help or at least listen to me, but I don't like to burden others with my problems. See, right now, instead of finding someone to go talk to, I'm typing into a computer. I may even delete this paragraph before I publish. (I'm trying not to, though)
The most open and emotional post I've made lately was about LOST, and that's because I typed it up before I thought. I finished watching an episode and got online. Even the unsent letters post was spontaneous. I refused to name names or specify any of that, too, but it was emotional.

Gah, now I feel like I'm rambling. Another problem I have with being open.

I just... I don't know. It'll all be OK. No matter how self-pitying I get, I always know deep down it'll be OK. I just wish I felt OK right now.

"But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me"

Dear Friend,
Don't take that title too seriously. I've been having a rough time. Friday, I had my laptop at the library for the free wi-fi (since downloading a large amount slows our home's Internet down to a crawl) and something went "boink." Yeah, first I lost all of my podcasts from itunes then when I tried to type everything was coming out backwards and when I tried to restart the blue screen of death came up, telling me it needed to check a disk or some other such. I didn't, because something seemed to go wrong with that. So when I finally got back to what I was doing, guess what! Every last thing in my itunes library was gone. Yes, GONE! My Dad and I were going through my backup files, since I'd saved them all to back up back in December when I had everything wiped out with a virus. We couldn't find them for a long time, and I ended up getting so frustrated I cried. Yeah, I was crying in the library, such fun.
Thank God, we finally found them. The not so good thing is that I need to organize them all into play lists again. I have something like 2,000 tracks to organize. I hated doing it last time, but I'll have to do it again.
I went out and bought an external hard drive, just so I wouldn't panic if this ever happened again, but as they say "Act in haste, repent at leisure." I hate the program this hard drive came with. I know I can get something else, but I'm a bit of a dunce at computers and I'm dead sick of asking my Dad to fix everything. I probably won't be online as much for a few days, just because I'm sick of working on this problem.

Hey, anyone know about this virus that's supposed to pop up on April 1st? I think if I have another problem on this laptop I may scream. I've been ready to just chuck Victoria (that's the laptop's name, remember) out of a window for the past 3 days. The only thing that stops me is the fact that I just bought a tablet that I love using, even if I am stumbling my way through it. If I have to deal with another virus I don't know what I'll do. I've run sweeps with Malware Bytes and Webroot, but I'm not sure if that would cover it.

I'm off, to pray and remind myself that this is just "stuff" and "things" and not the important parts of life.

A lonely dreamer

Dear friend,
I had a Top Gear dream. Yeah, weird, I know. What happened in this dream was I found myself in a very large arena or something like that, which was beginning to be filled with people who were going to attend some function. I was there alone, and simply sat in an empty area and people watched. The place was very, very grey. It was rather industrial looking, wide and shallow. The seating was rather like very steep bleachers, but you couldn't see under the seats. As more people filter in, I look to my right and see Jeremy Clarkson, James May, Richard Hammond and the Stig. I immediately abandon my seat and walk over to them. I walk past Jeremy, because apparently even in my dreams I dislike the man, and I also bypass the Stig, though I don't know that I'd do that in real life. James May had just walked off to talk to someone else so I stopped in front of Richard Hammond. He, unfortunately, was talking to someone else, and I stood awkwardly nearby waiting for my chance. (I hate when I act in dreams the way I would in life, I hate standing nearby awkwardly, and if my brain is making up the scenario I'd prefer if I didn't do that) As soon as he saw me, Richard said hello, in a tone that was mildly surprised and annoyed at the same time. He still offered to shake my hand, though, and smiled at me. At this point in the dream I realized that I was taller than Richard Hammond. Now, I know the man is small, but I my subconscious must really think he's itty-bitty. I've been trying to find his height at a few sites today, but haven't found it yet. On with the dream, though, I don't remember my small talk with Richard, because I was so distracted by how small he was, but when we finished talking James walked back and shook my hand, too. James seemed tall, and poorly dressed, which is exactly what I expect him to be in real life.
One thing this dream made me realize is that I expect people who meet me to be rather annoyed at my presence. I go through phases like this, and they almost always result in dreams where I meet people and they don't give two figs about me. This brings me to the lonely part of my entry title. I miss making friends. I've lived here in VA long enough that I ought to have a local friend, but I don't. Maybe if I could have found a church I could have made friends, but I just haven't made that connection.
I probably shouldn't have made a deviant art account yesterday. In the mood I'm in, I'll end up turning into a "Love me, love my art, be my FRIEND!!!!" monster, but I'll refrain. *sigh*
I'll stop being so emo now.
OK I love you bye-bye!

P.S. Today's my cat Zoe's 6TH birthday, and tomorrow is Rob Paulsen's 53RD birthday. Sing the birthday song now!

Issues

Dear Friend,
I've been just shy of posting something self-pitying on almost every site, forum, board I am signed onto this past week. I don't know, life just seemed so unreasonably empty. I was dealing with personal issues in my head, and then people in my life decided to tell me the problems they had with me on top of it. The fact that I had been attempting to fix that myself didn't help the fact that it was out of left field to hear about it. I have two ways of dealing with this sort of thing: get really angry or cry. As usual, I cried. I was on the verge of tears for two days.
I'm over it.
I do still have one issue I am dealing with. I have finally restored my "trust" in Victoria (which, by the way, is what I named my computer. Yeah, she has a name now) but the internet isn't being very obliging. Before I had the stressful experience of needing to restore everything on my laptop due to a virus I used to spend hours online. I now don't needlessly stress about viruses, but the internet isn't as entertaining as I used to think it was. Seriously, Facebook, blogs, DeviantArt, message boards, Youtube, and even shopping has been so dull this time around.
Yeah, I guess I'm just asking too much.
I have found a new activity. I've discovered a character I can draw. He's a cat. I can tell from these drawings what his personality is like, but I haven't named him yet. Pretty soon I'll learn how to use the scanner and put up a picture of him on here. Maybe DevArt, but I doubt that one. He has just a little ball of a tail. The funniest thing is I know what his voice sounds like. Yeah, cats don't talk, but he's a cartoon cat. In a move that's quite typical of me, he sounds like a Rob Paulsen voice. I, however, can't think of a character Rob has done in this voice that I'm thinking of. Hmm, the research would involve lots of cartoon watching, poor me. I was being sarcastic, if you couldn't tell. Maybe I'll do a comic strip involving him in my spare time. Then again, maybe one day I'll forget all about him. I wonder if I should call him Max. Hmm, no that's not quite him.

There is absoluetly no reason for me to be blogging right now

Dear friend,
Honestly, blogging without reason could get me into "trouble". I have the urge to communicate without any well-thought-out ideas. I've had nebulous clouds of thoughts running through my mind for so long, and I just have a strong desire to write something positive. I feel so surrounded by negative voices and people that if I don't think of something to make me smile I'll surrender to the pessimism.
Even if we do live in such a bad world, I have a good God, an awesome God, who can handle anything I throw at him; who loves me more than I can fathom; who cares for me.
That does make me feel better.
I've been remiss in not recommending a beautiful, touching, marvelous little independent film called Bella. I watched it quite awhile ago, before the summer film season. I heard of this little movie through a few different Christian contacts, one a personal acquaintance and another a ministry. I have to admit, I don't jump onto a film because some religious people say it's faith-affirming, or something like that. Truthfully, I tend to avoid films that Christian organizations rave about. Bella is totally different. I'm astonished that so few people have been talking about it, actually. It's such a good film that I'm afraid to praise it too much and cause excessive expectations from you, my friend. I went into the film without any expectations. I hardly knew the plot. I now think everyone should see this movie. I am refusing to tell you the plot because I don't want someone to think "Oh, that doesn't sound like my kind of movie." and blow it off. It is a good movie. That's all I can say, though I've taken up a paragraph to say it.

For a complete change of tone and topic: I miss having a crush on someone. It's a strange thing to miss, I admit. I don't miss having a job, I don't miss having friends, I don't miss quite a few things. I just miss having a guy that I'm attracted to. If you've been reading long enough, you remember that I was "dead gone" on a guy I referred to as "The Crush". It's been long enough that I don't think of him that often, even when all the little things that used to make me think of him just remind me of how I used to think of him. The thing about it is, I don't know anyone that I would even think of falling for. I haven't even seen anyone I thought was cute since I moved to VA over a year ago. It's strange. It's also why I figure when I find someone I'll know it's God's doing.

I'm weird... and I don't mind that.

I want to people to be afraid of how much they love me

Dear friend,
Do you remember that I mentioned I was becoming obsessed with the Office? I'm watching it right now, and wondering if maybe I'm a little too involved. I find certain episodes extraordinarily difficult to watch. The Christmas Party episode is one such episode. I find myself cringing and feeling terrible for Jim and Phyllis. It just feels so uncomfortable so many times while I watch this show that you'd think I was standing in the room with these people. That is probably the intention, but gah! it makes it hard to keep watching sometimes. Another episode I struggle through is Health Care. At the end of the episode, where everyone stops Michael outside his door, and he stalls trying so horribly to think of a "surprise" that will get him out of this mess just makes me want to leave the room. Pam's and Jim's facial expressions just do me in. It's probably not a good idea to watch this show while unemployed because it just reminds you that working sucks.
However, I still laugh more than I cringe most of the time. I adore Jim and Pam (yeah, I've never mentioned that before), and can't help wondering what the hell Michael will do next. I also just can't wait to see what Dwight is going to say or do, especially when Jim or Michael are involved.
I love this show.

Dreaming

Dear friend,
I'd forgotten how very dull and low life is in the "in-between times". Those times when you don't have anything pressing to do can be as depressing as they are freeing. I don't know what to do with myself, despite an abundance of required tasks around me. I know this too will pass, but I'm living in the right now, dang it!
I had a sort of realization last night. I want to be in a "Roger and Anita Radcliffe" situation. One of my favorite movies is Disney's 101 Dalmatians. (If you have even a slight interest in animation that film is amazing. The Xerox machine changed animation forever! And the design is captivatingly attractive) The dog's owners were recently married and wonderful together. The moment that sticks into my mind is the scene in which Roger is composing the tune that would ultimately be "Cruella DeVille" and make him a load of money. At this moment in the film, though, he's just upstairs making music. As he comes downstairs the couple has cute banter about the song until the villain arrives at the door. Roger makes fun of the approaching visitor with his new song, as he makes his exit. After Cruella leaves he reemerges from his "studio" still teasing in song. The couple dances and as his song ends the two share a "married moment." You just know that these two love each other, even though they tease and joke, they each take such games as good-naturedly as it is meant. Somehow that animated, fictional couple rings true to my heart.
Another animated couple dear to my heart is "Jim Dear and Darling" from Lady and the Tramp, but I don't think I'll go into detail for that tonight.
In more real, right now news, I've got a Wii Fit. I'm rather dedicated to this little workout program. It has me doing (light) exercise every day for the past week. That's no small accomplishment for lazy little me. I rather like the hula hoop game.

Now that that's all out of my mind...
Goodnight, friend!

Oh no! The TV died!

Dear friend,
That's right, our 65" HDTV kicked the proverbial bucket yesterday. Guess what else happened yesterday. I bought Super Smash Bros. Brawl! Yeah, talk about bad timing. I moved the wii up to my room, and spent a good part of the day playing SSBB, but I want out TV back. It's only a year old. The fan or the temp gauge isn't working or something, as it will turn on, but only for a few seconds at a time.
Anyway, Brawl is awesome. Spoilers will exist from this sentence on, so, you're warned, OK? I played Subspace Emissary a lot today, so I got a lot of the hidden characters. I didn't think it was possible, but Marth is even prettier than he was in Melee. You see, friend, I used to make fun of Marth, call him Martha and such, because he was such a pretty character. He's downright gorgeous now, and oddly enough I like him for it. I have been trying to play with Ike, but he's so slow that I don't know if I'll keep up with it.
I bought a new case for my DS from Target. It looks like a bowling bag, it rocks. I almost bought the bigger version for the Wii, but I don't take my Wii anywhere usually and I didn't feel like wasting $45.
(By the way, I love this picture of Faraday. Gotta love a guy so odd he'd hold a rat up to his face!)
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I will anyway. I should get ready for bed then. Friends, I miss you all. I really, really do.

Dear friend,
I've had a bad day. No really, it just plain sucked. I cried. Three seperate times. At work.
So, are you wondering what happened? Are you concerned for my sanity? Well, friend, I appreciate your concern. Let's just say that a growing problem got beyond control and I felt alone, helpless, frustrated and abandoned. Yeah, the day was that bad. If it happens again, I will probably quit my job.
Let's see, eh?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

I'm at one of those times in life that everyone experiences, I think. I need to make a choice between something that could be perfect for me, or take a chance that something even better might be just around the bend. It's a hard, though somehow nice, place to be. I almost feel as though all the world were before me, but if I make the wrong choice then I'm screwed. Lots of prayer...
I had yet another of those dreams. Not heart breaking, or even sad. It made me curious to write and ask how the "crush at first sight" was doing. In the dream he apparently was engaged, and the "lucky girl" wasn't me. I won't ask anyone how he is, it would be a little too embarassing. I'll just go along, as I had been until this morning, rarely thinking of him, until finally I think of him no more. I do find it odd to dream of him now.
Besides fasting secular music I am also fasting soda and "sweets". I could have given a million dollars for a chocolate chip cookie today. Last weekend I'd have paid that for a Mountain Dew. I'm in the final week, though, and to give up now would be depressing. Winners never quit and quitters never win. Didn't some 80's cartoon tell us that? Or something?
I miss people today, probably because most of my CO friends were in the dream I had. I hope they're all well and happy.

Psych you out in the end

I miss Psych.
I fear I've missed every episode of the season... but I'm not sure.
I'm glad I downloaded the pilot back when itunes had it for free.
Shawn Spencer is one of those people that in real-life you would want to slap,but on tv is entertaining.
*sigh* soon I'll see more.

Musings of the depressed

Is there any way to say that you feel bored, crowded, lonely, frustrated, and just plain sick of it all without complaining? Yeah, I didn't think there was. I knew that this morning that today was a day that would best be spent rolling over and going back to sleep until tomorrow came, but that's just not an option. I just wish that occasionally my "intuition" would give it a rest. Waking up and just knowing that life will suck that day doesn't give you much chance to try and prove yourself wrong, does it?

On top of it all I want to yell in Viacom's face. Yeah, the entire staff of Viacom. They decided they wanted everything they owned off of YouTube. Now, I realize that's copyrighted material, and it's illegal to put it online without their permission, but if they'd just get off their butts and put the material on DVD or something, it would be available to us and they'd still profit.

I sure hope this feeling of doom and depression is short-lived.

Why in heaven's name did I buy Hawk Nelson's "Smile it's the End of the World"? And why am I sort of enjoying it right now?

Lost, on Wednesday. It's about time. Even if I have to stay awake until 11 now that they moved the time back... I can't wait.

I'll stop writing now.

Adjustments...

If you remember a few months back when I said that I had experienced "crush at first sight" for the first time in my life you will also remember that I said I was getting over it. Well, I lied. I never brought it up again because I knew that it was going nowhere. You would think that now that I live across the dang country from him that I'd have a better grasp on the fact that it was going nowhere, but for some reason I think more about him than any other friend I left behind. I'm talking to more friends than I used to when I lived there (some weird part of me prefers to write to people instead of speak to people face to face) and he isn't one of them. When I left he didn't ask for a phone number or an e-mail. You'd think I'd get the hint that he's not interested.
I do get that hint, I really do. He never acted interested, and I never truly expected him to. So why did I wake up from a dream about him this morning? Why do I see things or people that make me think of him and then smile because of it? Why do certain songs that had no association with him before make me remember him?
Am I that pathetic that I would fixate on some man that I will never have? Am I avoiding my doubt and fear about this move by obsessing with a "safe" issue that will never be resolved? Am I turning my remembrance of Colorado as home into a picture of him as the perfect man for me?
Am I thinking about this too much? Probably. I think that in a few months I'll be so over him that if I do think about him it will merely be a memory of a very nice guy, not "the one that got away." I sure hope so. When I force myself to be reasonable (an activity that frankly I avoid when I can) I remember that there were things about him that annoyed me. With several hundred miles between us it's harder to remember that.
He does, however, hold the distinction of being the only guy friend of mine that I was never sarcastic with. I never once said a flippant or facetious remark in his presence. Even Ray can't make that claim.

In more "fluffy" news, my parakeet, Robbie, loved the drive out here. I'd been worried that being in a car would frighten my poor birdie, but he adored looking out the window and seeing the scenery fly by. He's even enjoying our current cramped living conditions. He seems to like that we're all in one room together most of the day. He's the happiest I've seen him in the year that I've owned him. I've also bought the second volumes of Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. Good times. In addition to LOST DVDs and tapes I've had lots of entertainment despite not having any sort of cable or satellite for the first time in years.

I'll adjust to this change, just as I adjust to all others. Eventually I will love VA, just as I loved CO. At least, I hope I will.

Till next I write!

I admit, I don't know

Here I am, 23 years old, and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. My dream is to be an author, and get married and have a family. I don't know how to get there.

So, what am I going to do about it? I'm going to pray. For those of you who know me, that statement coming from me is radical and strange. My mom would probably act shocked to read it, knowing that it came from her daughter. She's been pressing me (it seriously feels like nagging, but I'd get in trouble to call it that) to do so for oh... years. I guess when you just reach that point of desperation, and realization that you're stuck you finally get it that God's the only one who can tell you what to do.

I'm also going to (privately in my own journal) write down exactly what it is I want. And I'll go into specifics. This will be done prayerfully and carefully. Really, I've gone through most of my life just letting it happen.

That changes now.

Now, updated!

So, my brother e-mailed me and asked why I hadn't updated my blog.

The answer, because nothing is really happening with me! My two best friends are out of town for two weeks, my other best friend hasn't called or e-mailed me since last tuesday and I know that one of my co-workers (a good friend) will be out of town soon, so I'm sitting around feeling lonely and sorry for myself.

That's why I'm not blogging, I'm too busy having a pity-party. I'll try to post a better, cheerier blog tomorrow.

Till next I write!

been awhile

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. Not that things haven't happened. I just haven't thought of blogging. Unlike, I suppose, most bloggers, I don't read other blogs, which may account for the lack of readers for my sad, sorry little blog. Since I'm seriously considering a change of format for this little blog, I don't actually know why I'm writing now.

Maybe I'm writing because I want to confess. I don't like church anymore. I don't want to go, I don't enjoy being there, and basically the only "redeeming" quality I find in church is the fact that there's a guy there I want to be friends with, and that's just about the only place I ever see him. Yeah, I'm horrible, I know. Especially since not too long ago I was raving about how much I loved it.

Life sucks.

Random question. How would the average guy react to having some girl he knows walk up to him and say "I have a crush on you.'' ? Truly, how would he take that? I don't even know how I would react to some guy saying that to me, and I'm a girl. I tend to think that men and women think remarkably differently. I'd try it, but the only guy who would know it could possibly be expalined away as an experiment afterwards knows that he's not my type. Any other guy I know might think I was serious. (There's no way I'd try it on a guy that I actually have a crush on, I fear rejection, you see)

Why do I blog?
Till next I write