"Too many shadows in my room"

I've wanted to disappear for a few days. Not literally, I feel invisible in my own space enough as it is. I wanted to just vanish as far as my old friends in Colorado are concerned. It was one e-mail that seemed to trigger it. A friend sent a quick note to me, he just wanted to say hi. He asked me to write back when I had the time. I wanted nothing more than to archive the letter and never acknowledge it again. No reply, no phone call, nothing.


I answered him a little while ago. I just didn't feel right, knowing he'd wonder if I were mad at him, if I were ok, what was going on, and all that sort of thing.

I know how it is when a friend just doesn't acknowledge that I exist anymore. It hurts. Yet, at the same time, I've done it. In a few instances I have no regrets for doing it. Mostly because they didn't bother trying to get in touch with me again, either. Somehow, I don't want to lose touch with CO, in spite of the fact that I have lost touch with every other place I've lived in. I don't really have old friends who turned into pen-pals. Most of the people who I tried to stay in touch with got out of touch with me. Most of the last letters were from me.
Left unanswered.

I think I'm afraid of it all happening again. I want to beat them to the punch. I want to hurt them before they hurt me.

But I can't.

I love all of them too much. Not just him, but all of them. Even if I go weeks, or eventually months, between their letters. I still love them.





Till next I write.