It's a bitter world, I'd rather dream

Dear Friend,
My affection for Adam Young, aka Owl City, is well documented.  I've mentioned that in general I will get over a celebrity crush in about a month, but this guy is different.  But I've noticed another difference besides longevity in this crush; it feels like having a crush on someone I know.

Obviously a crush on a "real life" guy is different than a crush on a "fake" celebrity.  As far as I'm concerned a celebrity may as well be a fictional character.  I like it that way.  However, if I'm interested in a guy in real life it is to my benefit to know more about who they really are if there is any chance of getting involved with them.  No one would argue that I have a good chance of having a personal relationship with someone famous, therefore the less I know about them, the better, and the easier it will be to move on when their moment in the spotlight of my affections is over.

But, something is weird about Adam.  I think it may be his Blog.  I love the way he writes.  Reading a new entry of his blog (which I get to do, mostly every Monday, like clockwork) feels like having a casual conversation with him.  He writes so well and so easily that you feel like you get to know him through his words despite the lack of precise details.  He's funny and eloquent and manages to write about things that everyone can relate to.

The weird, personal feeling of this famous-person-crush came to its peak when I heard the song Lonely Lullaby.  This song is an extra feature of the Owl City Galaxy app for Ipods or Iphones.  It is a very personal song about a break-up, and it is lovely.  I found out that the song isn't an abstract song about sadness in general, but specifically about his ex-girlfriend Anne Marie.  One night, while I was listening to music and playing video games the song came on and I got that weird, jealous, sympathetic, frustrated feeling that you get when you listen to someone you like go on about how wonderful someone else is.  No one enjoys that feeling.  Let me tell you, it feels even worse when you realize that the feeling is completely unjustified and slightly stalker-like.
I eagerly await the day I can simply listen to the song, enjoy it, and move on when the track ends without feeling this bizarre slurry of emotions. Hopefully this written confession, a sort of emotional exorcism, will speed that day along.

There is absoluetly no reason for me to be blogging right now

Dear friend,
Honestly, blogging without reason could get me into "trouble". I have the urge to communicate without any well-thought-out ideas. I've had nebulous clouds of thoughts running through my mind for so long, and I just have a strong desire to write something positive. I feel so surrounded by negative voices and people that if I don't think of something to make me smile I'll surrender to the pessimism.
Even if we do live in such a bad world, I have a good God, an awesome God, who can handle anything I throw at him; who loves me more than I can fathom; who cares for me.
That does make me feel better.
I've been remiss in not recommending a beautiful, touching, marvelous little independent film called Bella. I watched it quite awhile ago, before the summer film season. I heard of this little movie through a few different Christian contacts, one a personal acquaintance and another a ministry. I have to admit, I don't jump onto a film because some religious people say it's faith-affirming, or something like that. Truthfully, I tend to avoid films that Christian organizations rave about. Bella is totally different. I'm astonished that so few people have been talking about it, actually. It's such a good film that I'm afraid to praise it too much and cause excessive expectations from you, my friend. I went into the film without any expectations. I hardly knew the plot. I now think everyone should see this movie. I am refusing to tell you the plot because I don't want someone to think "Oh, that doesn't sound like my kind of movie." and blow it off. It is a good movie. That's all I can say, though I've taken up a paragraph to say it.

For a complete change of tone and topic: I miss having a crush on someone. It's a strange thing to miss, I admit. I don't miss having a job, I don't miss having friends, I don't miss quite a few things. I just miss having a guy that I'm attracted to. If you've been reading long enough, you remember that I was "dead gone" on a guy I referred to as "The Crush". It's been long enough that I don't think of him that often, even when all the little things that used to make me think of him just remind me of how I used to think of him. The thing about it is, I don't know anyone that I would even think of falling for. I haven't even seen anyone I thought was cute since I moved to VA over a year ago. It's strange. It's also why I figure when I find someone I'll know it's God's doing.

I'm weird... and I don't mind that.

It always comes around back to you

Dear Friend,
I survived Valentine's Day. Spending that particular holiday with 3 and 4 year olds is pretty fun. They get a kick out of getting and giving Valentines to their class mates. They get more of a kick out of having a "party" at the end of the school day, right after the nap.
LOST that night was pretty good too. To have yet another random confession I kinda "heart" Daniel Faraday. I don't know why, at all. I just... do. I sort of consider him my trade-off for killing Charlie. I'm odd that way I guess. I'm interested in the mystery of this show again, and want desperately to know what happens to the people who are not part of the Oceanic 6. Especially after this latest episode where Kate has Aaron. That's just messed up.
Had news of the "crush at first sight". He's doing well, it would seem. Plus, he's not married. Yet. I didn't find a way to really ask if he was engaged without the person I was talking to getting suspicious/weirded out. Who knows, maybe the guy I was talking to was already suspicious/weirded out. At this point I don't care. It's just that I've had at least three dreams of the guy getting engaged and married and was curious. It's weird.
Had a different sort of dream this morning, involving my brother trying his darndest to get me and this other guy together. The dude was not my "type" though. He had light brown hair, but that's all I remember from the dream. I've actually had dreams about being with or marrying guys with light brown or even blond hair for years. I tend to go for dark haired guys, though. Odd.
Miss Psych.
Miss Chuck.
But I'm glad the Writer's Strike is over! Yippee!

New title, somewhat new format

Dear friend,
That's how I'll start my entries now, "dear friend." I suppose I've been watching too much of "The Shop Around the Corner," "In the Good Old Summertime," and "You've Got Mail." If too much of that story is possible, I suppose. It seems such a dear and chummy way to begin a letter, I think, and possibly romantic as well.
Speaking of "that" storyline, which I love so much, I think I've finally seen the movie the "crush at first sight" (perhaps he'll simply be "the crush" from now on) told me about one day. He compared it to YGM, one of his quotable movies. Teacher's Pet, starring Doris Day and Clark Gable, is rather like it, only in reverse. Instead of hating each other in everyday life and loving each other over the mail, they hate over the mail and sort of love in real life. It was a cute movie, not mentally challenging in anyway, like most Doris Day films. I enjoyed it mostly for reminding me of "the crush" as I'm rather sure that is the film he referred to, despite his forgetting both the title and stars of the film. He mentioned journalism, similarity to YGM, and commented on how very much innuendo got into such an old movie. Perhaps he didn't watch many old films, the innuendo didn't surprise me at all, the past isn't as chaste and pure as some seem to remember it being.
Well, we shall see how long "dear friend" lasts, shall we?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

I'm at one of those times in life that everyone experiences, I think. I need to make a choice between something that could be perfect for me, or take a chance that something even better might be just around the bend. It's a hard, though somehow nice, place to be. I almost feel as though all the world were before me, but if I make the wrong choice then I'm screwed. Lots of prayer...
I had yet another of those dreams. Not heart breaking, or even sad. It made me curious to write and ask how the "crush at first sight" was doing. In the dream he apparently was engaged, and the "lucky girl" wasn't me. I won't ask anyone how he is, it would be a little too embarassing. I'll just go along, as I had been until this morning, rarely thinking of him, until finally I think of him no more. I do find it odd to dream of him now.
Besides fasting secular music I am also fasting soda and "sweets". I could have given a million dollars for a chocolate chip cookie today. Last weekend I'd have paid that for a Mountain Dew. I'm in the final week, though, and to give up now would be depressing. Winners never quit and quitters never win. Didn't some 80's cartoon tell us that? Or something?
I miss people today, probably because most of my CO friends were in the dream I had. I hope they're all well and happy.

You and I Both

Ever smiled a sad, sad smile? When you feel that sensation of bittersweet memories of things that, sadly and gladly, never happened? I feel that every time I hear Jason Mraz's You and I Both. The "almost but never really was" sensation is just as comforting as it is hurtful. It makes you feel as though you lack while at the same time you're incredibly blessed.

Then again, maybe I'm the only person who ever feels like that.


But I doubt it.


I allowed a terrible, irreversible, and ultimately harmless thing happen. My ipod dropped into a pan of paint as I was helping paint our sun room. It was in a case, the paint was shallow and it landed face-down at a slight angle. This resulted in painted streaking across the click-wheel or whatever it's called. There's a bit of paint on the screen, and in the hold switch. It plays just as well as it ever did. However, due to the fact that in addition to this "awful" thing, there's a mark across the screen whenever the back light comes on (a result of a fall last January on my birthday) I am now in the market for a new ipod. Thank God for tax returns. I may need to look for a job soon in order to justify replacing a functional though imperfect $250 toy.

I dreamed of the "crush at first sight" the other morning. I think that's why I specifically played Jason Mraz. Someday, he'll leave my head, whether awake or asleep.

Armitage thoughts

I've seen Richard Armitage in three roles. Each new role has a new hairstyle. The hairstyles have been going downhill.
The first time I saw him was in North and South. Grand miniseries (ha, grand and mini... it's nearly 2 in the morning, cut me some slack) adapted from Elizabeth Gaskells novel. Nothing amazing about his hair, but it looked good on him. Heck, he looked good on his own... but the hair did help. Even when it was covered by that hat, that tall, tall hat. How he didn't hit things with that hat I don't know. Heck, maybe he did, it just wasn't on camera.
Then I started watching Robin Hood. His hair is too long. Guy of Gisborne is also way too evil, and potentially abusive. Yet, he still has his moments of looking good. You know, when I'm not wondering if he's wearing eyeliner. I love heavy eyeliner for myself, but I'm not so sure about guys, let alone guys in period shows.
I've been watching the Impressionists. Fascinating miniseries about my favorite artist(s). I'm finding out a lot of things that will certainly change how I look at their art, but I must admit that the first shot of Young Monet made me wonder "What is on Richard's head? It can't possibly be hair!" Fortunately, by the second episode he's had a haircut, but the beard is growing longer by the second.

I need sleep...

Adjustments...

If you remember a few months back when I said that I had experienced "crush at first sight" for the first time in my life you will also remember that I said I was getting over it. Well, I lied. I never brought it up again because I knew that it was going nowhere. You would think that now that I live across the dang country from him that I'd have a better grasp on the fact that it was going nowhere, but for some reason I think more about him than any other friend I left behind. I'm talking to more friends than I used to when I lived there (some weird part of me prefers to write to people instead of speak to people face to face) and he isn't one of them. When I left he didn't ask for a phone number or an e-mail. You'd think I'd get the hint that he's not interested.
I do get that hint, I really do. He never acted interested, and I never truly expected him to. So why did I wake up from a dream about him this morning? Why do I see things or people that make me think of him and then smile because of it? Why do certain songs that had no association with him before make me remember him?
Am I that pathetic that I would fixate on some man that I will never have? Am I avoiding my doubt and fear about this move by obsessing with a "safe" issue that will never be resolved? Am I turning my remembrance of Colorado as home into a picture of him as the perfect man for me?
Am I thinking about this too much? Probably. I think that in a few months I'll be so over him that if I do think about him it will merely be a memory of a very nice guy, not "the one that got away." I sure hope so. When I force myself to be reasonable (an activity that frankly I avoid when I can) I remember that there were things about him that annoyed me. With several hundred miles between us it's harder to remember that.
He does, however, hold the distinction of being the only guy friend of mine that I was never sarcastic with. I never once said a flippant or facetious remark in his presence. Even Ray can't make that claim.

In more "fluffy" news, my parakeet, Robbie, loved the drive out here. I'd been worried that being in a car would frighten my poor birdie, but he adored looking out the window and seeing the scenery fly by. He's even enjoying our current cramped living conditions. He seems to like that we're all in one room together most of the day. He's the happiest I've seen him in the year that I've owned him. I've also bought the second volumes of Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. Good times. In addition to LOST DVDs and tapes I've had lots of entertainment despite not having any sort of cable or satellite for the first time in years.

I'll adjust to this change, just as I adjust to all others. Eventually I will love VA, just as I loved CO. At least, I hope I will.

Till next I write!

Love at first sight? No way

I don't believe in love at first sight. I definitely believe in strong attraction at first sight. But love, real love at first sight, cannot possibly happen in reality.

I don't think that love is an emotion, it's a choice. It really is an educated choice, too. You can't truly love someone unless you know something about them. It's easier if you know more about them. And people will always do things that will make you choose whether or not you will continue to love them, just as you do things that require them to choose whether or not they will continue to love you.

Attraction, ah, attraction is an entirely different animal. It's harder to decide and choose how you feel about someone's looks and manner. It's entirely true that you can meet someone and find them attractive but change your mind as you learn more about them. Unattractive people can become quite good-looking as you learn more of their personality.

I suppose the only reason I'm writing this entry is that I have, for the first time (and I pray the last time), experienced "crush at first sight". Yeah, so, the very first time I saw this guy I just met I was "enchanted". I didn't even speak to him that day. I never expected to see him again. I have, though, and we're in between friends and acquaintances. Now, after 3 weeks, I'm emotionally calming down. It's great, crushes can be fun, if you don't take them too far.

So, love at first sight. I don't think so. Crush at first sight. I didn't think so, but now I believe.

been awhile

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. Not that things haven't happened. I just haven't thought of blogging. Unlike, I suppose, most bloggers, I don't read other blogs, which may account for the lack of readers for my sad, sorry little blog. Since I'm seriously considering a change of format for this little blog, I don't actually know why I'm writing now.

Maybe I'm writing because I want to confess. I don't like church anymore. I don't want to go, I don't enjoy being there, and basically the only "redeeming" quality I find in church is the fact that there's a guy there I want to be friends with, and that's just about the only place I ever see him. Yeah, I'm horrible, I know. Especially since not too long ago I was raving about how much I loved it.

Life sucks.

Random question. How would the average guy react to having some girl he knows walk up to him and say "I have a crush on you.'' ? Truly, how would he take that? I don't even know how I would react to some guy saying that to me, and I'm a girl. I tend to think that men and women think remarkably differently. I'd try it, but the only guy who would know it could possibly be expalined away as an experiment afterwards knows that he's not my type. Any other guy I know might think I was serious. (There's no way I'd try it on a guy that I actually have a crush on, I fear rejection, you see)

Why do I blog?
Till next I write

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, and I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas.
My Holidays were cool and fun, with lots of food. Then Jan 2 came around and right after church, while waiting to go through a drive-thru ATM our van got rear-ended. Crappy way to start a new year, in my opinion, but hey, we all were ok, praise God. They did have to take my Aunt, who was visiting over the holidays, to the ER to do some X-rays, but she was ok. We're all a little sore still.
On to cheerier subjects, I got the coolest Christmas presents. They included a cool limited edition Breyer model, "The Lifeguard of the Queen's Household Cavalry". Collectible, Horse-y, and British! Happy me! :) I also got a CD labeling system thing-a-ma-jig. I can now label all the CDs I make off of I-tunes purchases. Only made two so far, but they're really cool. Also got Avonlea DVD sets, the first three seasons. Yay, two seasons of Gus Pike, no waiting! We walso got a pool/air hockey table. So yeah, my Christmas was fun.
Back to working only half days. Today seemed really short, but I guess 4 hours is short compared to 8 a day. Of course I'll get paid half what I was paid before. 'Sokay, I don't spend all that much.
Still haven't heard Jeremy Camp's new CD. Really, really want to. Also want to hear Relient K's new one, but not with any "really"s.
That's all for now, until something good happens.
Till next I write.